Flashes..

I felt unwanted. True we were both out together but something just didn’t seem right when she spoke to me. I was watching her from the corner of my eyes. The eyes. Her eyes! They seemed different when she spoke to someone else. They had the mischievous glint of happiness that I never see when we talk. Actually, I had never noticed the way her eyes lit up when she threw her head back and laughed. The way she casually hugged her friend and slipped her arm into hers and pranced off, why doesn’t it happen when I’m with her? Maybe I’m too old or am I just too weird for her? I mean, she didn’t even want to sit next to me.

My entire life flashed in front of my eyes, like a collage of my worst moments. Everything that went wrong, everyone that I treated wrong. The buzz, the pain, the anguish, dulled my senses. I yearned to turn back time and live a perfect life. A life that would’ve been perfect only if I had let it be. I didn’t even give it a chance. In that life, I was an Angel. I was perfect and happy. I was her best friend and she was mine. My perfect man was next me, his hands, wrapped around me, holding me gently. Those hands would protect me, shield me and guard me. They were never too far to brush a tear or hug my sadness away. That hand, my best friend and me, in a meadow filled with happiness.

The constriction in my chest grew tighter. The pressure was building up and I was going to crumble. When I just couldn’t take it anymore, blood rushed back to my face. The grip had loosened. When I regained consciousness, I realised that this too shall pass.

She was standing in the middle of the most beautiful sight of her life. Something she’s been waiting for all her life. It was perfect. She had all she wanted. Well, almost all she wanted.

It was 10′o clock. It was drizzling softly outside. The kind of weather that the locals hated. They couldn’t stop complaining about the rain. The quaint little fountain outside the apartment made a lovely gushing sound that was so comforting. She loved it, couldn’t get enough of it. The entire setting matched her mysteriously gloomy mood. From the balcony, she could see the trains in the distance. There was a comforting chill. The kind that makes you want to cuddle in a blanket, sip wine and hold hands. There was something missing. For the life of her she couldn’t figure it out.

The feeling in the pit of her stomach wouldn’t just go away. Pressing against the cold rails so hard that she could feel the chillness hit her bones didn’t help either. This was such a wrong place to be alone. It puzzled her even more ‘cos she guarded her space so fiercely that she thought she convinced herself she liked solitude. She yearned for familiarity. The familiar noise, roads, people, and even her not-so-glamorous apartment. Everything she’d complained so much about kinda became the things that she yearned for the most. The long rides to the office in the morning, the shitty traffic, and even her extremely small bean bag. The sound of alien languages that once used to an exotic thing drove her insane. Trying to follow incomprehensible accents was no longer cool. She longed to feel at home. Home suddenly began to feel like extremely defined space, her territory. Her haven. Her uncompromisable haven.

Everytime something reminded her that this was just a beginning, the knot in the pit of her stomach thickened. Sometimes, it was so hard to put a finger on what was happening to her that even tears wouldn’t flow.

The silence was suddenly broken by the train rumbling in the distance. Life goes on. Clenched fists, gnashing teeth and a smile can you get you through anything. ANYTHING!

Mind in a whirl….

Dear diary,

I look at the screen and I can’t understand any of the shapes or images. Hazy vision, unclear thoughts, incomprehensible actions, mind in a whirl, fingers resting on the keyboard unable to move. Suddenly, the brain seems to take more time than usual to process signals. Even after the signal’s sent out, my body seems to have a different mind of its own and doesn’t want to obey. Twenty windows open at the same time, none of which seem to be there for any reason. I’m staring at the crystal globe on my desk. It seems to merge with my desk and I not able to make out the difference between shine of the globe and the whiteness of desk.

To avert my eyes from the pain, I look around and there are pictures of happier times around me. I look at myself hugging my best friend. The happiness in my eyes, the light in her face, and the joy in the picture seems very alien suddenly. I want that back. Right now!

Is that what I really want? I don’t know. There’s a numb feeling inside, that I’m not able to identify. Is it pain? Or maybe sorrow? Is this supposed to the emptiness that everyone talks about? I want to go home and sleep. Maybe when I wake up it’ll all be gone and I’ll be normal again. I want to go to the beach and stare at the sea. Maybe the waves will engulf this empty feeling. I want to get soaking wet in the rain. Maybe the rain will wash away this pain. I want to eat lot of chocolates. Maybe they’ll fill me with the warmth that I’m unable to feel right now.

Actually, I need a hug. Wish you were a real person!

I sat there looking at the sea. The night was perfect. The waves washing my feet, the lone yacht sailing in the distance, the little kids playing on the beach, a big family laughing and chasing each other around, the sparks from the buttawallah’s stall, and the guy who adored me sat next to me. Just perfect. It was almost like he was always looking for the smallest excuse to make me feel special. Did I feel special? Well, I was flattered. I told myself that I was acting juvenile.

But my mind kept wandering back to my prince.

When I was younger, I had a recurring dream about this prince, a knight in his shining amour, who would sweep me off my feet. One day, when I was least expecting him, he did come by, and I was swept off my feet. Every time he touched me, my stomach did a little somersault. He looked at me in my eye and I couldn’t hold his gaze. When he smiled at me, I fell in love with him, all over again. I was in love. Nothing seemed to matter when I was in his arms. It was almost sinful to be that happy. But then again, we didn’t live happily ever after.

The memories of the best years of my life faded into a dream! Almost a nightmare.

I felt a hand on my shoulders. I looked up and his eyes were shining, almost smiling, like he was hugging onto a dear secret. I snuggled into his arms. They were not magical, but they gave me solace, made me feel protected and most of all, made me feel wanted. Maybe I was acting juvenile.

He held my hand and whispered into my ears, “Will you marry me?” For one fleeting moment, I thought of my prince, and then I looked up and said “I will.” The yacht was sailing further into the horizon.

She looked at her watch and sighed. One hour until it was time for her to get back to work again. She parked carelessly next to the black car and entered the mall. Just as much as she hated this last minute running around, it was something about her that would never change.

She was pretending to look at the clothes, hoping that the salesman who was trying to sell her that gaudy dress would give up. She turned around and saw a very familiar face about 10 feet away. She looked away not giving it any thought. Suddenly, it struck her!

“Can’t be her….” she thought.

But the resemblence was uncanny! It had to be her. Unable to stop herself, she walked up to her and said “Um… Excuse me.. Mithila, right??”

Mithila looked up with an unsure expression on her face. Her face suddenly lit up and she said, “Kripa, is that you… Oh my God! I don’t believe this.”

Somehow, she didn’t believe it either! It was too.. well for the lack of any better adjective, surreal. After the usual, “how are you” and “You haven’t changed one bit,” they didn’t have very much to say to each other. Afterall 5 years is a long period of time.

Maybe that’s why it felt surreal…

Kripa sat down in her car and held on to her steering wheel for support. She was still reeling from the meeting. She met Mithila, her best friend, after ages. They had been the wierd pair in college. Wierd, because they were sooo different. Kripa, was the popular girl who everyone wanted to be friends with and Mithila, was the pretty girl who was always seen with her, but seldom heard!

Time went by and priorities changed. Kripa started seeing less and less of Mithila and one day she just disappeared from Kripa’s life. For a long time, she waited for that one phone call, telling her that nothing had changed and she just needed some time by herself. She was willing to wait for Mithila to come around. Perhaps she waited for too long.

Kripa always thought that it was always possible for both of them to kick off from where exactly they left. Today, she realised that she was wrong. She found that the void that was created in her life when she lost her best friend was filled. It ached to lose her best friend, but that ache had vanished with time and it all seemed like one hazy dream.

She took one deep breath and looked at her watch. 15 mins until she was due back at work. She reversed her car out and drove out of the mall without even looking back.

PS: Happy Birthday to me… I’m 21… Finally!!!

The sun was pouring in through the window. Pavan reached for cigarette and lit another one. Sitting on his bed, he was scrutinising his room. It actually looked nice now. He had spent the whole cleaning, scrubbing and polishing his room. “Machan, not bad da. Your room actually looks clean!” That was his room mate who came to sponge off a cigarette.

Pavan just gave his room mate his trademark smile. He got the hint and left. The smoke helped him think. He mentally ran over the details of everything he had done that day. He had turned out his cupboard completely. There were old post cards, greeting cards, hair band of the girl he had a crush on when he was in the 8th standard, a piece of chalk piece his favorite teacher once threw at him, the butt of the first cigarette he’d smoked, notes passed around in college, the piece of paper on which he took down his girlfriend’s number, the restaurant bill from their first date, the list was bloody long.

He felt like a ‘girl’ sorting through his stuff. Some of the things found its way to the trash and some others went back into the cupboard. In all, he felt good about his move to organize and clean his room. It was thearpeutic.

He looked at his watch. It was time to go out. He got up and went out, came back and took one last look. It felt good to grow up.

The clock was ticking away and that was the only sound in the room. She held his hand and squeezed it. Her hands were so small that they were lost in his. She snuggled up to him and felt a warm glow inside her. He wasn’t saying anything. In her head she was trying to decide what he was thinking. At that very moment, he said “so, what are you thinking??” She wanted to say “you” but it somehow didn’t seem like the right thing to say. The darkness seemed like a blessing ‘cos she was thankful that he couldn’t see her blush. She just said “nothing in particular. Just generally thinking.” He ran his fingers through her hair. She played with his fingers. She loved his long fingers. He touched her so softly that it was almost like he was afraid of breaking her. She turned to look at him. In the darkness, only his outline was visible. Suddenly she wanted to hug him and tell him how much she loved him. But she was scared and all she could manage was “are you feeling sleepy?” He gave her a peck on the cheek and said “no darling.”
———————————————————-

He could barely see her in the darkness. The only thought in head was “She is so special. she makes me feel so special.” He felt like the luckiest guy on earth sitting with her. Even the silence between them was beautiful. It was almost like they didn’t need words to communicate. She squeezed his hand and he said “so, what are you thinking??” He hoped she would say her thoughts were about him. But she jus said “nothing in particular. Just generally thinking.” She was playing with his fingers and he was straining to look at her eyes in the dark. “those eyes” he thought, “they’re beautiful. When she looks into my eyes I get lost in them. There is something almost magical about them.” He suddenly wanted to tell her how much she meant to him. But he was afraid of breaking the spell. Suddenly she said “are you feeling sleepy?” there was so much he wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her that he was hopelessly in love with her. But he just said “no darling.”

Yet another year!

December 31st, 11.50pm

I’m standing in my room. It’s extremely cold cos there’s a huge window that overlooks the road. I love standing by window and just aimlessly staring outside. I’m leaning against the wall, looking out of my window, holding my drink in my hand not really drinking it. The booze doesn’t even interest me anymore.

I see people on the streets hugging each other and laughing over something I’m sure is not even funny. But they’re happy—it doesn’t even matter!

Someone’s blaring dhoom machale in the distance. It sounds extremely distorted due to the volume and I’m sure it’s not very enjoyable even to those people. But they’re happy—it doesn’t even matter!

This one guy is extremely drunk. All he does is giggle and he’s not too sure why he’s giggling. But he’s happy—it doesn’t even matter!

A bunch of guys are racing each other on bikes. Its looks extremely dangerous and they know it too. But they’re happy—it doesn’t even matter!

A young couple stands in the cold, shivering, their teeth chattering. But they’re happy—it doesn’t even matter!

It’s extremely noisy but the only sound I can hear is sound of ice clanking in my glass. Through my window, their world looks very different from mine where I’m all alone. Their world looks colorful and cheerful. I wonder what it would be like to live in their world. I wonder what it would be like to stand by my window hugging that one person who cares about me the most in this world.

January 1st, 12.00am

“Happy new year!!!”

I look around my room wondering whom to wish. I stare emptily at my phone. I look at my glass and gulp my drink down

But I’m happy—it doesn’t even matter!!!

Truly Madly Deeply….

She was in a very vague and distracted mood. She could not afford to be, for she had an exam in 15 minutes. As usual, she wasn’t in the mood..

She looked out of the window. It was raining heavily. Her fingers were numb with the chillness. But she was lost in the beauty of the view. The rain seemed like a thick curtain in the green setting. The trees looked happy and were swaying with the wind. The yellow flowers aptly decorated the scene of celebration. But deep down, she knew there was something missing… Something that left her incomplete.. It took every ounce of her will power to concentrate on her exam..

An hour and a half later, she was waiting for her car to pick her up and take her back home. She sat under a tree and watched the rain. Her glasses were fogged up and she couldn’t see much around her. But she felt the rain drops land on her nose, her forehead and outstretched arms. Her thoughts returned to him again……..

Felt like someone was playing a rude joke on her, because the last time she saw him was on a rainy day like this one. It still hurt to just think about him. That day was one of the few things she would remember all her life– his white linen shirt and faded blue jeans, his lovely hair and sparkling eyes, the warmth in his eyes and his caring touch, his soft lips and bear hug. How could she ever forget any of it?! They were a part of her.. She looked around again and couldn’t see anything. This time, it was not the fogged up glasses.. She was crying…….

The memories were so fresh that it didn’t seem like the past. She wanted him… Like she never wanted anything else in her life..

It hurt even more, because she knew that it was not possible. She was never going to see him.. Ever again.. He was gone.. Not just from her life, but from this big bad world. Life was unfair. He didn’t deserve to die. She didn’t deserve to go through this agony…

She wasn’t going to feel sorry for herself because she knew he would hate it.. He was somewhere up there watching her. He knew she was feeling miserable and had come down to comfort her. Standing there, drenched in the rain, she could feel him hugging her… When a rain drop landed on her lips, she could feel his kiss…

He was always there for her.. Watching on her and taking care of her…

The yellow flowers on the tree were smiling at her.. They were telling her to be happy—- HE WAS TELLING HER TO BE HAPPY…. She looked up and said- ” I love you and I always will.. “

She was shaken out of her bliss rudely by an unearthly sound….. Her driver was honking for her.

Life will move on.. And so will she… But he will be there for her- ALWAYS