I can no longer pretend that I have all the time in the world and that I’ll be all prepared and ready when the time comes. 35 weeks. This shit’s about to get real. Now, it’s just a matter of time before we find out if it’s going to be Phoebe or Phoebo. In the process, we’ll also figure out how much I’ll lose it. I’m preparing myself for “a lot.” But I’m also not discounting the possibility of setting new boundaries.
The last year and a half have been crazy, demanding and draining. Personal life was a mess. In fact, I’m surprised I made it through in one piece. I shifted 3 houses in 2 cities, got pregnant, quit a job that was going very well for me, struggled to keep the marriage together, relived personal trauma, damaged some relationships and rediscovered strength in a few others. I’m now the biggest believer in “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”. In all of this, I never really recorded anything of significance through this pregnancy. Other than a few photos, I have nothing really to show the baby. So, I want to put down some of my most vivid memories of these last 9 months. Better late than never.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted a girl. Your grandparents, uncles, aunts (including all of my friends) are rooting for you to be a girl. Your dad wants a boy. And I have this strong feeling you’re a boy. This last leg of suspense seems to be the hardest. Especially for me cos it would make my job of short listing names a lot easier 🙂 Even before I peed on a stick, I had a very strong hunch I was pregnant. In spite of expecting it, when I saw those 2 pink lines appear, I was numb with shock and I was half laughing and half crying. Your dad looked bewildered but extremely happy. He kept reassuring me that it was a happy moment! The initial few months were very hard for me. Grappling with the idea of being pregnant was not made easier by the morning sickness. I could hardly keep any food down and was throwing up everywhere, out through taxi windows, by the side walk, in the office toilet, everywhere. Your dad came up with this ingenious idea of a vomit kit for me. It had some mint, orange toffee, a tiny bottle of listerine & a small bottle of water. It let me throw up anywhere I wanted and also save what little dignity I had left.
The morning sickness got better with time. Then it was one milestone after another. I heard your heartbeat for the first time at the doc’s clinic and was blown away. Then came your little kicks. They were testimony to how real you were. We saw tiny shrivelled up sonography images of what could potentially look like a baby. Your tiny hands and feet were the cutest. In fact, the first time we saw a clear image of you, you were lounging on your back with your hands tucked under your head and legs crossed. The only thing missing was a book.
For the most part, I hardly had a baby bump. At best, I looked like I’d eaten too much lunch. Even though it helped me avoid unwanted stares and questions, I’d have liked to show earlier. Actually, I’m not sure about that. I avoided telling people for as long as I could. In fact, during my farewell from MTV, my boss had to pour me fake drinks all night just to keep people from asking questions. I’ve never drank so much soda at one go. Ugh!
Right now is apparently when your patterns show. Going by that, you’re a nocturnal baby. Your most active playtime is after I have dinner or in the afternoon between 3 & 4. The spot below my right rib cage is your favourite I suppose cos that’s where you kick me the hardest. These days, you also seem to prefer my bladder. You’re also very squirmy right now and keep stretching. I can almost see your elbows sticking out. You seem to also share my love for pani puri although you’ve ruined my ability to take any spice! When we went for The Dark Knight Rises, you were the most excited. Another Batman fan will not be bad at all! In all, it’s fun noticing these little things.
I have to tell you about one person who’s been my rock through all this, your dad. At many points, I said I could do this without him & maybe even believed it but the absolute truth is that I couldn’t have. He’s the best thing that happened to me. He has understood many of my needs even before I could articulate them. Whenever I’ve doubted my ability to do this, he’s reassured me and helped me believe in myself. I have a feeling he’s going to know exactly what to do when you come and I’m the one that’s going to fumble.
You should also know about his obsession for organisation cos you’re going to see it very soon yourself. When we found out we were having you, he bought a folder and neatly filed all the doc’s prescriptions, test reports, scan results and what not. It’s the most organised file I’ve ever seen. He force fed me so much that at one point I had to ask him to back off. I did experience such a thing as too much pampering. I’ve lost count of the number of tubs of ice cream, the surprises, the back/ leg rubbing sessions, the reassuring talks we’ve gone through these last months. He’s made me realise that this marriage is worth all I have and more.
Not long from now, we’re going to meet. More then!
In spite of all my doubts and shortcomings, I have a good feeling about us.